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Reich 4.0

Staring into the Fail

Wow. I'm typing this in OpenOffice. I know there's a lot of OO users out there but I'm impressed. As my bf says, Ubuntu is an adventure! Woo.

Man, it's hard for me to shift gears. Where does this stubbornness come from? Modeling of the parents synthesized with years of practice, compounded by a good portion of ethnic character (Dutch - “woodenheads” in the parlay of Chesterville, ON, Canada)?

Why am I typing instead of drawing? Why can I not shut off the Ubuntu and plug in the Mac? Why, why, why, do I always drag my feet – refusing to do something if I've made a plan: hell, it's as if I view myself or any plans I make as “The Boss” - the authority figure who must be hated, ignored and/or thwarted. What is wrong with me?

Do I really love that big lump of emotional pain in my stomach so much?

I cannot even now say “Malcolm, enough!” It's a fear of speed, I think: a fear that if I act without deliberation, I'll smack into a wall, or be clipped by another human being standing by the road holding a pole out at head level. I'll be fooled, taken advantage of, made a fool of, if not by myself, by someone else.

Right now, I am trying very hard not to be angry; not to force action out of myself. Does that make sense? I'm holding on to some sort of equilibrium.

I am not crying, nor am I angry. It's kind of weird because usually, when I'm trying to work, I'm annoyed by outside noises – like the music from the cars of the high school students as they park on the street in front of my house, between me and their school.

Usually, these sounds annoy me but right now, they exhilarate me! OMG, can I finally stand outside noise when I work? Is it possible that I'm on to something? (SMACK! - this would be the pole of another human being making fun of me for caring about something so inconsequential.)

“Excuse me kind sir with the pole, just want you to know that you haven't done any real damage. I'm sure you are concerned about that.”

Gulp. That would be Jesus in action, wouldn't it? That dude was so fucking smart. It's too bad the Christians have co-opted him and turned him into such a doofus: “Jesus is God, while we are Not God; he is Holy, while we are Not Holy.”

He’s God and human, Christians - get it? So are you!

So I am thoughtful, reserved and noncommittal.

The silence in my room is quite astounding. The peace. I am holding myself still, like I did all those times growing up: listening to the blood in my veins and the sounds of my environment: there are so many, I can choose what I hear.

Well, I can't choose them all... But if you listen to anything long enough, detached and serene, you can hear a lot more in it than what the sound maker intends... You can hear echoes and tiny differences from one hammer hit to another... You can tell the man whether he's hitting with precision or whether he's sloppy; interested or just getting the job done... Hell, if you listened long enough, you might even be able to tell him what he had for breakfast and what he's thinking about.

Ok, time to start with the drawing.

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